From Overdoing to Allowing: Self-Compassion in Everyday Life

We Finns have a tendency to admire grit and resilience. We push forward, gritting our teeth, no matter how tired or frustrated we feel. Especially conscientious overachievers and entrepreneurs set bars for themselves that are realistically far too high. Then, when we fall short of perfection, our inner critic wakes up and starts blaming us for being lazy or inadequate.

But what if, instead of whipping yourself forward, you tried something completely different? What if you learned to practice self-compassion?

What self-compassion is NOT?

The word self-compassion can sometimes trigger resistance. It is often confused with self-pity, laziness, or ''giving up and just staying on the couch.''

In reality, it is quite the opposite. Self-compassion is the courage to face your difficulties and exhaustion with understanding. It is accepting the fact that you are a human being – not a robot. After all, even those small grocery delivery robots recharge overnight. You cannot be one hundred percent efficient, energetic, and flawless every single day. When you meet failure or burnout with gentleness instead of self-blame, studies show you recover and regain your strength much faster.

How do you talk to yourself when no one is listening?

The easiest way to map your level of self-compassion is to observe your inner voice. What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake, your schedule gets messy, or you just don't have the energy to go for that planned run? Is your inner speech encouraging, or is it something you would never say out loud to anyone else? Try this quick test: When you catch yourself in a dead end or blaming yourself, pause and think: What would I say to my partner or my best friend if they were in this exact situation?

You would hardly say, ''You are so lazy and incompetent.'' Wouldn't you rather say: ''You've done your best, you are clearly exhausted right now, and you deserve some rest."

So why would you deserve worse treatment from yourself than your partner or your friend?

Allowing is a conscious choice

Shifting from overachieving to allowing takes practice. It means giving yourself permission to:

• Be tired without having to explain it to anyone.
• Leave things unfinished if you run out of energy. You can always pick them up later.
• Ask for help before you are completely exhausted.

In brief therapy, one of the most important themes is often precisely taming this inner critic. When you come to a session, we don't look for ways to help you optimize your daily life even more efficiently. Quite the opposite – we learn to lower the bar to a level where life feels worth living again, and breathing is lighter. Together, we learn to be on your own side, not against yourself.

Something to reflect on today: In what area could you be a little more gentle with yourself today, and simply give yourself permission to just be

If you notice that the demands you place on yourself have grown too high and you feel the need for outside, professional support to untangle your thoughts, please don't hesitate to reach out. ApuRisto can help.